(-phone rings-)
Hello?
(-long pause- then a heavily accented voice:)
Hello, my name is Peter and I’m calling you today from Microsoft technical support.
Really?
Yes, and I’m calling you today because your computer is under attack from hackers.
OK. Yes, I understand.
Are you the main user of your computer?
Yes indeed.
Is your computer on at the moment?
Yes, it’s on most of the time.
OK, I’ll talk you through showing you how your computer is under attack.
Er… OK.
Can you see the normal desktop icons on your screen?
Yes.
OK, what sort of computer is it? Is it a desktop or a laptop?
It’s a laptop.
OK, on the bottom left of your keyboard you should see a key labelled C-T-R-L.
Yes.
Next to that is a key labelled ‘Fn’?
Yes.
…and next to that is a key with the Windows flag picture on it?
Well, sort of.
OK, I want you to press that key and the ‘R’ key at the same time.
OK.
What happened?
A little box popped up with an ‘R’ in it but it went away again.
Did you press the Windows flag key and the ‘R’ key at the same time?
Yes. Hang on, I’ll do it again. OK. Done.
Do you see a box with the word ‘Run’ at the top?
No. Surely you only get that with Windows?
(-click-)
Hello?…
Hello?

Update 6 Jun 2015:

I just had another call from ‘Windows’.

I got another call yesterday afternoon telling me that my ‘computer was causing faults on the Windows server’. I was busy cooking so I told the guy it was not convenient.

Today what sounded like the same guy called back and went through the same Windows flag key and letter R routine. It was only when he asked to take over my screen that I told him that I was not running Windows. He seemed a bit cross and more or less accused me of telling him that I was running Windows. Today’s call came from +20 3 xxx xxxx which seems to be Alexandria in Egypt. I wonder how much a 6.5min call from Egypt to the UK costs and who paid the bill? At least he wasn’t scamming someone else while he was busy with me.

Update 18 Dec 2015:

I stumbled across this report about someone in Canada who recorded a similar scam attempt and challenged the caller. Note that the would-be scammer quoted the victim’s postal address and threatened murder.

Think about it. You get a call: ‘I know where you live. I’m going to send someone to kill you.’. I don’t care how incredible the threat is - it would be very upsetting.

Do you still think it’s OK to release just little disconnected bits of your personal information to the world?

Update 22 Nov 2016:

I just had a call from ‘BT support’ from someone calling himself Lee Martin who had a strong South Asian accent. The ‘gentleman’ started off by telling me that my computer was causing problems with the Internet service and that he could show the problems to me on my computer screen. I told him that I did not believe him. He then told me that there were many scam calls and that he could prove that this was not one of them if I would just get in front of my computer and allow him to show me on my own computer what was wrong. I told him that I did not believe him and that I would not follow his instructions on my computer. He then told me that if I did not cooperate BT would cut off my Internet connection and would charge a fee for eventual reconnection once the problem was resolved. I laughed and told him that BT was not my service provider - and that I did not believe him. At this point his professional demeanour slipped rather badly; he called me a mother*** and that he would have my family attacked. I waited listening to his tirade until he cleared the call and the line went dead. I then called my own number from another phone to make sure the call had properly cleared.

The guy seemed very cross; perhaps he was upset that I said I didn’t believe him three times. If BT really do employ a South Asian guy called Lee Martin to call people up and tell them their computers are interfering with the Internet then they need to send him on an anger management course ☺.

Not a nice guy.

Update 26 Nov 2016:

I’ve finally cracked and subscribed to Calling Line Identification (CLI) on my home telephone line. I still intend to answer most CLI identified nuisance calls in order to waste the caller’s time but now I will have a moment to prepare before answering. Other members of the household can choose not to answer if they don’t feel like it.

One thought: I wonder if the cold callers are partly funded by the CLI industry?