There is a tragic story in the BBC news about a child who killed herself apparently in response to bullying by her peers at school.

The article includes photographs taken by her father of the girl in intensive care before she died. It is a shocking and very upsetting story.

Her father is publicising his daughter’s torment to try to bring into the open the devastating effect that bullying can have on people and to promote support for people who may self-harm.

From the story it appears that at age 13 the girl confided in a friend something about her sexuality. The friend told at least one other person and eventually her whole school knew what she had said. She was then physically and psychologically abused until she was taken by a parent to live in another country. Even then the abuse continued online.

She attempted suicide and died of her injuries at age 16.

So what lessons should we learn from this terrible story?

  • Bullying is not acceptable. That’s an easy one… but when does banter become bullying? When the subject feels bullied, of course; not when they speak up, but before that. Somehow we need to get the balance right and be aware when the balance is disturbed.

  • People should be aware of the effect their behaviour is having on other people - but not everyone is empathetic. Some in society are so oblivious to other’s feelings that they are classified as having a mental health problem. Most people would be shocked if they were told that other people see them as bullies.

  • Should some subjects be off-limits for banter? Well, probably - but whatever subject I would pick would just reveal my tolerance or otherwise to banter on that particular topic and would not be particularly useful to the debate. I cringe (sometimes physically) at memories of some of the ‘jokes’ that I repeated when I was growing up - but I also remember with affection sitting with my parents watching Dave Allen on television with his comedy often about Roman Catholicism (our household was distinctly Roman Catholic). The whole point here is that bullying is a subjective experience. The law is too blunt an instrument to dissect this issue.

  • It’s sad but true: some people actually enjoy bullying other people. It’s a difficult lesson but kids should be taught to be prepared for this. That said, I would guess that most (if not all) of those who did bully this poor girl are feeling pretty low about it now. I’m willing to believe none of them forsaw this outcome. I’m also willing to believe that some of them would say that they carry no responsibility because they did not know what the outcome would be. They will all need support to get over this death and to gain anything useful in terms of being alert to the effect they’re having on other people and moderating their behaviour.

  • We need to teach kids to be guarded about what they talk about. I am not suggesting that people with a particular sexuality should remain ‘in the closet’ or that we should teach kids to be ashamed of how they feel. What I am saying is that we need to teach kids to keep private things private and to be aware that there will be consequences (some good, some bad) in sharing information about themselves and to try to be ready for those consequences. By giving anyone (or any organisation) information they are giving away power to affect their lives. They also need to understand that they cannot make something private again once it has been made public. Even if you can get a court injunction to prevent newspapers or large search engines giving particular information about you, you cannot require people to forget.

  • We need to teach kids to extend their awareness of privacy to what they know about other people. By being entrusted with information about a friend they have been given power to affect that friend’s life. I imagine the dead girl’s friend is also feeling pretty low. They will need support to get over this too.

Some people will see these suggestions as too bleak or cynical. I would say that to teach otherwise would be to teach kids to view the world through rose-tinted spectacles and would not serve them well for the future.